“Do you think God loves me even if I’m not perfect?”
It was a seemingly innocuous question I posed as I gathered my things to leave my counselor’s office.
We had already had a session which included me trying to explain what was bothering me through that kind of crying where you can’t really breathe or talk. You know the kind, the one you see little kids do, right?
I’m not sure where the question came from, since I hadn’t been thinking about perfection or my worth. God bless my counselor, she wasn’t phased. By the grace of God, she said something like: Absolutely, He does! Haven’t you read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown?
No I hadn’t, and to be honest, it sounded like a terrible book to me! I’m so uncomfortable with imperfection that I couldn’t fathom why someone would want to write a whole book about it.
But my counselor said that the book changed her life. So with the confidence that comes from years of trust in her guidance and support, I downloaded the audio for my drive home.
I didn’t realize it yet, but I had definitely been wrestling with perfection. Now, through a deep dive into imperfection, love, and belonging, I’ve learned that the quest for perfection is inextricably connected to whether you feel like you are enough and you belong.
Desperate to Be Loved Right Where You Are
A few months ago, I listened to a Jay Pathak sermon from April 14, 2024 entitled, Meal Time with Jesus: Enacted Grace. As usual with Jay’s messages, he had me laughing about some of his amazing and awkward encounters sharing the gospel in Colorado. Then bam! This line pierced my heart as he was talking about evangelism.
“I just think it’s impossible to estimate how desperate people really are to feel like they can be loved right where they’re at.”
Jay Pathak
I think he was probably talking about those who don’t yet follow Jesus. However, I think the statement applies to every human alive.
At the time I listened to that sermon, I wasn’t really sharing with anyone, not even God, how I was feeling. I was in deep denial of my approaching 40th birthday, and how my life looked so different than I would have imagined. As I listened to this quote over and over as I tried to copy it down exactly, I personally felt the weight of my own desperation and longing to be seen and known right where I was, right where I was at.
Wounded in Community
I shared a bit last week how reading The Soul of Shame prompted me to tell a few friends what was going on in my heart. And that helped me move forward. I realized that I needed to share my story…own my story and all the highs and lows, so to speak. Admit that right then, I wasn’t ok.
Sharing your story may not sound difficult, but some years ago, I had an experience that tested my faith in community. I found myself in an environment where my deepest fears and desires were wielded against me in an attempt to exert control. This led me to a place of desperation, fear, and intense anxiety. Once there, I was publicly punished for experiencing depression and anxiety.
Praise God, after the resolution of that situation, I never had another panic attack. Depression however, is something that I deal with from time to time. Unsurprisingly, it is scary for me to admit to friends that I’m struggling with sadness, disappointment in God, or depression. Somewhere in the back of my brain, there’s this warning voice that says: What if they, too, use my depression to manipulate and wound me? What if they aren’t safe?
Then there are the thoughts that cause me to second guess myself. Have you experienced any of these: Shouldn’t I be over this by now? Didn’t I already receive healing? If I admit to this now, won’t that be a defeat after all I’ve come through?
For me, all these thoughts lead to one thing: silence. Silence between me and God, between me and others, and silence of my creativity in sharing my heart through writing.
Healed in Community
Did you know that healing a heart wound can be a messy and not so straight-forward process? I sure do!
How did I get un-stuck and keep moving forward? It started by sharing my heart so that people could pray for me. Reading and listening to the Bible, books, and sermons. Going to counseling. Not giving up on community even when everything inside said – HIDE!
On a heart level, I knew that I could trust my current community. They were the ones that, several years ago, picked up the pieces of Leanna and held them tenderly while the Lord put me back together.
You might wonder, though, about your community. How do you know if you have authentic, safe community? Here’s what I’ve learned: They don’t meddle with your heart in an attempt to change or manipulate you. They listen well with great empathy. They point you back to Jesus and the Bible for the solution. They pray when you don’t have the desire or strength to pray.
Imperfectly, Perfect Community
My friends, family, and I have cultivated this community through great authenticity in the midst of seasons of joy and pain. As Brené says in The Gifts of Imperfection, I found the people who had earned the right to hear my story.
Yes, Brené, I am incredibly lucky. That’s the secular way of saying, I’m incredibly blessed. After a lifetime of ups and downs in various church communities, I see Godly authentic community for what it is…a gift from God that allows us to be seen, known, and loved right where we are.
Should You Risk It?
Should you risk it? Take a chance on sharing your own struggles? Ask yourself this. Has hiding and isolating relieved your burden or worsened it? Is there someone you could trust to hold the truth of your right-now story, walk with you, and point you to Jesus? If you shared your story – could it help just one other person who is also struggling to find comfort? Would helping one other person find courage or peace be worth the risk?
I sure think so, friend.