Tapas with Jesus (Part One)
Hey Friends! Part One is a life update. If you want some spiritual meat, skip to Part Two! š I won’t be offended.
Crickets on the Jordan River
In just a few short hours I will get to celebrate Easter and Jesusā resurrection with my families: church and biological. Tonight Iām up to something different and I might make it a tradition on Easter Eve. Iām hanging out with a silent Jesus over tapas and a Spotify playlist of nighttime crickets and a crackling bonfire.
How did I end up there? Well, before Lent, it was abundantly clear to me that I needed to press pause on my Roku and not resume watching shows for a long while. I use TV as my escape from things I donāt want to deal with.
Every evening, I normally settle in at dinner with a show. I donāt turn it off until I canāt keep my eyes open. This way I donāt have to deal with anxiety over something happening the next day or rehearse conversations that I had or will have, or deal with any overwhelming emotions I stuffed earlier in the day. TV numbs everything, but only while Iām watching. Those big feels are all right there waiting to pounce if I donāt slide into an immediate sleepy oblivion.
For the past six weeks itās been a nice change to do different things with my time in the evening. I guess, though, I love stories and character development too much, so I spend most nights reading or listening to audio books. I started whittling again, so thatās fun. Strangely, I havenāt missed watching TV much. In fact Iāve considered seeing how long I can go without it.
Thatās why tonight Iām sitting on my couch with my campfire soundtrack and pretending to be sitting on the waterās edge of the Jordan eating a fish dinner by the fire with Jesus.
Incessant Questions
I tried really hard to enjoy companionable silence. It lasted two minutes before I started peppering him with questions. My questions ranged from serious to curious, just like in any conversation with a friend.
What do you think of me? Am I doing the right thing? Do you like cheese? Would you like a french fry, wait, did they have potatoes in Israel when you were there? Isnāt the moon sparkling on the water really pretty?
Silence. (Well except for the crickets from my phone – which Iām not sure is even geographically correct since Iāve never been to Israel.)
One of the questions I really want to know the answer to is, why do I have blogs in my head that I canāt seem to writeā¦or share?
He didnāt say anything, but sitting in silence with Jesus reminded me that he is my Audience of One. I am called to write first for Him, out of obedience.
Stage Fright (AKA Fear of Man)
I often write blogs and ideas and scriptures on my phone to share with others later, but when I come to think about who is going to read those thoughts and then wonder what they will think of what I shared, then I get stage fright. There should be a writing version of that, like Media Feed Fright.
What will my parents, friends, pastors, or family think of this personal thought or that tidbit? Will they be judging my spiritual, emotional, or physical progress? Will they want to talk about what they think I should do?
Oof, itās the worst. I am stymied before I even begin. Stuck before I can write, publish, or send.
In the past year, Iāve been on a roller coaster ride of healing and growing while also fighting trauma and the enemy. Itās tiring and I donāt have a lot to show for my efforts in the natural world. Many people have opinions of what I should be doing with my time. But Iām fairly certain that Iām doing what I was instructed to doāfor now. All though, I havenāt heard a lot from my mostly silent companion.
The Spirit has lots to say and instruct when it comes to my time spent reading scripture and Christian non-fiction books or listening to sermons and podcasts. Iāve got plenty to work on. Renewing my mind and pressing onward in hope are two predominant themes. But when it comes to what to do next?ā¦crickets.
I say all that to tell you, if you are one of the people who have reached out and I havenāt reached back, itās because I have no idea what to say. No idea how to explain what Iām doing beyond trying to follow Jesus as best I can in this very strange season of life. Thanks for your grace and love and patience.
Healing in Community
I was talking with a friend last monthā¦feeling overwhelmed as we entered Spring. Normally itās one of my favorite times of year. This year though, it started to bring up the horrible memories of last yearās trauma. Real, tangible, ugly memories and fears. Which then resulted in my counselor asking me to work on some challenging homeworkā¦facing those memories and fears head on. Anyway, in the midst of that despair I asked my friend, āWhat do I have to show for the year?!ā And she answered, āCommunity.ā
Community is no small thing. For anyone who has been betrayed by their community or found themselves on the outsideāespecially if youāve been given the left boot of church fellowship, then you will know how valuable it is to be seen and accepted for who you are, not who someone wanted you to be.
In addition to the friends and family who never left me, I found a church community who has loved me well. Even when I couldnāt look people in the eye for weeks at a time as I was struggling through the healing process and my fears of vulnerability and betrayal ā they still stuck with me.
Today on a walk in the woods, I was reminded of the walks I took last spring when it felt like I was trying to outrun the anxiety and darkness nipping at my heels. I was reminded how cornered and alone I felt last year.
Praise God for his redemption and mercy. I am in a much better place. God raised up an army of people to carry me through the pain into healing. They have been Jesusā hands and feet and shoulders to cry on.
It turns out that I wasnāt too messy to love after all. (In case you are wondering – neither are you!)
Since this post was all about me, I have no idea if you will find it encouraging. And I would worry about it, and not publish it or send it normally, but tonight as I sit with my silent companion, I am writing this just to break free of my worries over everyoneās expectations.
I donāt know what or how often Iāll write, but I am hoping that I can get back to a more regular frequency. Iād love to share with you the backlog of things I think God has been teaching me about his grace and love and kindness.
The Simplicity of Salvation (Part Two)
Hereās one thought about Easter I want to share (it was going to be a blog that I didnāt end up writing! So hereās the gist.)
The other day I was comparing all the Gospel accounts of the crucifixion, and I came to Luke 23:39-43 where one of the two robbers asks for Jesus to remember him when Jesus comes into His kingdom.
One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: āArenāt you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!ā But the other criminal rebuked him. āDonāt you fear God,ā he said, āsince you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.ā Then he said, āJesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.ā Jesus answered him, āTruly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.ā
Iāve always been amazed at this passage. I donāt know if youāve ever struggled with trying to earn your salvation, but itās something I have gone to war on in my own life. Itās possible to spend so much time worrying over whether we are living rightly and doing enough to earn favor and forgiveness that we forget itās by grace through faith in Jesusā death and resurrection that we are saved!
This passage struck me again how simple the Good News is. If we believe with our whole heart that Jesus is our king who died for our sins, then we get to join him in heaven! Done and done. No need to purify ourselves, prove our worthiness/unworthiness, or do penance for our past mistakes.Ā
Do you love him? Do you call Him king of your life and believe that by grace you have been saved through your faith in Jesus? Then guess whatā¦You are at peace with God, just like the robber on the cross who did absolutely nothing else after professing belief in Christ before his death.
Here’s scriptural evidence:
Ephesians 2:8-9 āFor it is by grace you have been saved, through faithāand this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of Godā not by works, so that no one can boast." Romans 5:1-2 āTherefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.ā
So rejoice! Be free and at rest in the knowledge that Jesusā burden on us is light.
Believe, be forgiven, be set free!
Happy Easter, my friends!
P.S. Now go on and have yourself a tapas meal with Jesus on the Jordan. Youāll be glad you took the time, space, and silence just to be with himā¦even if you never do find out the answers to all your questions, like whether he likes cheese. š
P.P.S I created a little Easter playlist for you with songs you hopefully haven’t heard yet. Just hoping to spice up your Easter worship!
Love,
Leanna