Imperfection and The Power of “Begin”

Irony: a Character Study

A woman reads The Gifts of Imperfection and anxiously spins out because it is impossible to practice all the concepts in the book perfectly.  

That has to be the definition of irony, right?

As I wrote about last week, I’m making my way through The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. 

It’s so challenging that I decided to listen to it again on my drive to a hike. There I am, admiring the fall colors deep in the heart of Southeast Ohio Appalachia, while thinking deeply about what Brené is saying as I listen to her read the chapter entitled Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism.

As I’m taking in all of the wonderful information, I start to feel a slow anxiety rising. In response to difficult passages about self-compassion, I say to myself, “Shoot, I’m failing at that.” A few minutes go by and I say, “Aaaaand that and that, too! I need to do better. Gosh how do I keep all of this in my brain? I’m never going to be able to remember it all. I’m going to be stuck like this forever. I’ll always struggle with perfectionism if I can’t do everything in this book perfectly.”

Then I chuckled. Lightbulb moment. It’s not possible to do everything in the book perfectly. 

The Tone of Your Inner Monologue

I have a strong suspicion that Brené would totally say something akin to, “Good grief, Leanna, you might want to go back and revisit the chapter if you are stressing about doing everything in the book perfectly. Look, your mission is simple. Put into practice one, maybe two things from the book. Not all the things. Who do you think you are, superwoman?” 

Of course I hear this in Brené’s voice because after listening to her read her masterpiece, we are totally acquainted. Only, she would probably give me 3,000% more grace than that, since the tone of voice I used above was the one she reserves for narrating her own inner monologues about her imperfections in the book.

We all have an inner monologue, don’t we? Um, no really, I’m asking here. You DO have one, right?

What does yours sound like? Maybe you are kinder to yourself than I am! But I reckon that if you are kinder to yourself, you probably had to practice.

Practicing Self-Compassion and Imperfection

After feeling abysmal about my chances of perfectly implementing imperfection, I decided I’d take the quiz recommended in the book about self-compassion from Dr. Kristin Neff. Golly Gee, wouldn’t you know, the quiz indicated I’m low in self-compassion. 

I guess I wasn’t that surprised. As I took the test, it felt like I was answering the same question about my reaction to different scenarios, and my answer was basically…”why would I ever let myself off the hook for that?”

I have always felt that self-forgiveness and self-kindness are just some woo-woo topics that people who are too easy on themselves are obsessed with. What right do I have to forgive myself for something that was less than perfect?

Of course, if a friend confesses any challenge or issue to me, my grace-filled response is usually, “It’s okay to make mistakes. You’re only human!”

But what’s my own internal dialogue when I mess up? “You have no excuse, Leanna. You know better than that!”

Basically, I’m saying, “It’s ok for others to mess up, but me? I’m superhuman!” How ludicrous!

Good-Enoughist

I love the way Brené label’s herself in her book… she says she’s a “recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good-enoughist.”

How do we learn to make the switch to self-compassion, live whole-heartedly, and not engage in shame when our imperfections come calling?

According to Brené’s research on authenticity and worthiness, she said that for those who seem to struggle less with perfectionism, there are a couple of factors that rise to the top in their responses. 

“First, they spoke about their imperfections in a tender and honest way, and without shame and fear. Second, they were slow to judge themselves and others. They appeared to operate from a place of ‘We’re all doing the best we can.’ Their courage, compassion, and connection seemed rooted in the way they treated themselves.” -Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

I want to speak about my imperfections in a tender and honest way. I am learning. Do you know how you can get a big boost in getting there? My favorite topic, healthy Christian community! 

You Did Your Best – Accepting Imperfection

In a conversation with a couple of friends one night after Bible study, I was sharing some of what I was learning in the book. Specifically, I shared my struggle to not live in a place of shame over a season of my life that turned out 180 degrees differently than I expected. A season, I felt sure, the Lord led me toward.

My friend responded with empathy, and said: Leanna you couldn’t have known what you would go through or see it coming. You were all-in for the sake of spiritual growth and someone took advantage of you. 

The exact words were not, “It’s not your fault. You did your best.”  But they sure felt like it. It was like a giant sigh of relief. Later that week, I found myself rehashing things from that season and trying to figure out how I missed some warning signs. Do you know what? My friend’s words came back to me. “It’s ok,” I said to myself, “I really couldn’t have known, and I did the best I could.” 

Look at me and my bad-self, practicing self-compassion!!

Only, “Begin.”

Around the same time, while listening to the Bible, I heard a verse that challenged and encouraged me in regard to this topic. I was listening to Deuteronomy, which is Moses’ speech to the Israelites before his death. In the portion I was reading, Moses is recounting the Lord’s instructions to them after the 40 years in the wilderness have passed and as they are approaching the Promised Land. 

Deuteronomy 2:24 says “Set out now and cross the Arnon Gorge. See, I have given into your hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his country. Begin to take possession of it and engage him in battle.” And later in verse 31: “The Lord said to me, ‘See, I have begun to deliver Sihon and his country over to you. Now begin to conquer and possess his land.’”

Notice the work is attributed to God – He had already, “Begun to deliver” the king and his country into the Israelites’ hands. Their job was to “begin to take possession” and “begin to conquer.” 

That changes a lot for me. I often don’t know how or where to start a big project, diet/lifestyle change, shift in career, learning a new skill. And with that desire for perfection, I often don’t want to start if I don’t know I can succeed or have victory right at the outset. 

It’s too big. I’m afraid to start. It’s a big goal, job, decision. 

What if our job is just to BEGIN? Not to burst out of the gate already in first place, or never eat chocolate cake again, or get to the end of the year without strangling your students, or transform a strong-willed child into a fully grown Godly leader. 

What if our job is just to start? Turn the success, the ups and downs, the trials and triumphs, the conquering, over to the Lord. Our faithfulness journey is found in imperfection. Just Begin. And once we have begun, we continue, one baby step at a time. Sometimes a few steps forward and one step back.

Progress is progress. Let’s not sabotage ourselves before we Begin.

Practice Imperfection

Can we trust the Lord fully to come through for us? If we study the Bible, His track record is clear. He never lies and always keeps His promises. His people are the broken chink in the chain. We are the ones that get impatient for His promises, or think that we can do better on our own, all the while fearing that we truly can’t do everything perfectly. 

I don’t know about you, but I desire to turn over perfection to the Perfect One. I desire to trust Him, even when right now, that seems like a scary business. And if I can give myself some self-compassion along the way, I might not fear starting over. 

Here’s me looking at you saying: You did your best before, and it may not have worked out. Now, friend, just get out there and Begin again. The Perfect One is on the job, so you can just rest in Him.

Love,

Leanna